Bicycool

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just purchased a road bike. It is a bluish greenish gorgeous color, with stripy 70s designs on the seatpost and I must say that overall the thing is fucking RAD. I am not ashamed to admit that part of the reason I got it was because I thouught it looked cool, and I thought maybe it would make me look cool, wannabe-hipster in denial that I am.

BUt I got to thinking–is there anything wrong with that? As an amateur cyclist (I mainly bike to work and around town, working on my endurance for some longer treks) I am aware that the “car monoculture” makes cycling not just an act of rebellion but also a somewhat antagonistic one as well. The fact is, it is impossible for two such different forms of transportation to exist harmoniously without some small speck of irritation on either party’s side, the motorist’s or the cyclist’s. If you are in a car, you are thinking, jesus, can’t that idiot ride a little closer to the parked cars? Come on now, share the road applies to you, too, you helmetless bozo, don’t you know you are taking your life in your hands? Meantime, the cyclist is thinking, well, hey now, this is just a tad fucked, I am paying for your convenience by breathing your gas-fart into my pure little lungs, and hey look, city driver, I just passed your ass and now I am one, no, two stoplights ahead of you! I deserve to cut you off, you gas-consuming permission-slip for the “War on Terror!”

This antagonism is perpetuated and exacerbated by the lack of adequate bike lanes on city (and other) streets. (“Well if you want me not to be in your way, then build some bike lanes!”) Cars like to be the only thing on the road. They don’t relate well to other modes of transport; the aforementioned bikes, motorcycles, even other cars.
But the reality at the moment is that cars are the primary method of transport in this state, and in this country, and probably in plenty of other countries too. This has got to change. And promising people some general reward like “makes you healthy and strong” or “stops the planet from becoming inhospitable for human life” is apparently not a good enough incentive for many people. What would be, then? Let me suggest: Vanity.

Yep. People want to look cool, hip, sexy, whatever. Admit it. You do. I do. Whatever, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that is why it is a cyclist’s duty, a cyclist’s OBLIGATION to look cool while riding a bike. We gotta get people doing this, guys. Fight the national obesity epidemic and global warming at the same time. Sounds like a PLAN.

Which brings me to my original thought, me and my gorgeous new bike. Together, we are making a change. It is not just coolness by association for owning and riding this stunning piece of work, it benefits the cause as a whole. If you are riding your bike and looking like a class-A Dork, you are not helping ANYTHING. On the other hand, if you are like me, you are looking like a class-A sexpot, which you are. And good for you, because it is getting hot out here…