I have returned to the civilized world: the no farm-animals, yes shower every day, no naked skinny-dipping* in the moonlight world. But while I was away, I abused my voice and did not give it a chance to heal. (Talking and yelling and singing, oh my.) I consulted Dr. Wikipedia and he thinks I may have vocal nodes. So then I got a second opinion from my dear friend Google, and my decision is this: total voice rest for three weeks.
Not using your voice is a more difficult and complicated thing than you may realize. Some of the more obvious ways to not use the ol’ vox box include:
-not talking. doy.
-not singing. again, doy.
-not yelling. see above.
BUT. There are a few vocal traps, lying in wait to ensnare me and compromise my healing process. These include:
-Not clearing my throat. That may seem easy enough to avoid if I am never actually talking, but when you got that tickle goin’…oh man. It feels like the world is going to end without a little “Ahem.”
-Not talking when I am alone (por ejemplo, in the car.). Again, maybe it seems obvious but some part of my brain has a hard time conceptualizing that no talking also means “no cursing at the turkey in the beamer who just cut me off.”
-Not talking after a long period of silence. When I wake up, I kind of forget that I am being silent only partly because I am feeling surly but mostly because I won’t be talking for the rest of the day, either. Also, I slipped after yoga class and muttered a quick “namaste” before I realized my error. (I realize I am a douchebag. Mainly because I know how to spell “namaste.”)
But what about the greater lessons, you ask? What about the wisdom of learning to truly listen, and all that kind of hogwash? Well, you are partly right. I think that a chronic blabbermouth like me has a lot to learn from not being able to blurt out every little thing that comes to my head. I have found that when you are silent, you have to filter everything so much more because it is just too much of a pain in the ass to try to make yourself understood. If it is important, then you will make it clear somehow, writing it down or whatnot. But the little side comments, meant only to criticize a situation or to try to sound intelligent…those ones fall by the wayside.
I have also found, as a self-confessed know-it-all, that other people know things too. Sometimes everyone is sitting around trying to remember how the song went or what movie that guy was also in where he wore the little hat, or what Carla said, and did she mean that thing about the pineapple? Well I have an uncanny (and potentially irritating) memory, so I pretty much know the answer. BUt if I can’t talk, and the pad of paper is too far away, then that leaves just enough time for someone else to have a go at it, too. And probably be wrong.
It’s also kind of about deprivation, and self-discipline. I love to talk and sing and swear and hum. But I can’t do any of that right now. Self-discipline is one of those things that is always within your grasp, but unless you have a pretty compelling reason to grasp it, you’re really not going to bother. Right? Because you’re human. And humans like to feed our own hungers, but we don’t generally relish the experience of resisting our impulses just for the sake of resisting. Look at dieting, look at a few religions sometime. Look at “should.” Should isn’t that powerful a motivator, in the long run. Maybe part of maturity is letting “should” be a greater deciding factor than “could.” Maybe not. “Should” is kind of a threat, actually. If I don’t do what I should, then something bad will happen. Why didn’t you wear your seatbelt? You should have. Now look at yourself, you’re dead. Tsk tsk.
But really, folks, the silence thing is just a lens through which I can more clearly see some things I already knew. I already knew that one of my coping mechanisms in a stressful situation is to try to control it. But there is only so much control you can exert over a group of hyperactive 14-year-old girls too high on birthday cake and their own hormones to be even within a mile of reason…sorry that made no sense. The point is, my little sister had a birthday party tonight, and it was still stressful for me (oh my god. these little squacks are the living definition of global warming. If you have to ask what that means, you’ll never know.) But, to a certain extent, I just had to let go. I couldn’t yell at them to shut the hell up, I couldn’t try to force them to be polite to my mother. Losing battles on all fronts.
I am not sure if the no-voice thing is really that revealing or enlightening. Probably not, actually. But anyway, I am always excited to discover a new way to experience the world, and not talking is a pretty simple way to do that. Kind of makes me appreciate what I do have. And you can rest assured that once I get the ol’ pipes back in line, you’ll hear plenty from me.
*yes I know that’s redundant. shut up.
